7.

 

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I think my daughter knows I add cough syrup in the soup to sedate her sister.

6.

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I wear my headset so she thinks I can’t hear her. But I can. I just love the sound of her falling off the couch and crying.

5.

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She pissed on my paper. I smeared her binky with dog poop. We are even now.

4. 

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It’s a beautiful day and I’m waiting for her to look outside the window. I beheaded her favorite doll and hung her body on the tree. (LOL)

3.

 

The bitch copies everything I do. So I put super glue on the tip of her pen.

2.

 

I just hired an actor who’s going to barge in that door any moment to try kidnap my son. He’s only going to frighten the fuck out of him. Hey! I’m not a monster.

1. 

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He sucked on my nipple too hard. So I’m making him watch babies being thrown against a wall.

½.

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Haha! (Fuck you, bitch!)

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article. Any resemblance to real feelings of moms towards their kids is purely and hilariously coincidental.